yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
