someone threw a dead crab at me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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