Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
