The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
