wanna go halves on a baby?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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