Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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