According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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