im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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