This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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