i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
