OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
