What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
