dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
