im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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