Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
