he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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