My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
