forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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