our cab driver is having phone sex.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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