Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
