new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He passed out mid-signature
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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