the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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