I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
