Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didn't notice because vodka
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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