i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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