My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I checked into jail on foursquare
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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