i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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