You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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