college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
