I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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