If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She needs sedatives and a leash
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
