Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize