im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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