screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
