She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
