my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
