fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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