Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize