I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
