Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
