Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
