I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
