Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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