I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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