I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize