Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
