dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
