You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
