i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
