He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
