I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
