Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize