He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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