it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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