Your face is a jimmy john
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
