I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
