THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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