What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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