i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
