Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
