and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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