What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
